The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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