Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
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