good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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