I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
porn star boner night. come get it.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
