I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Randomize
