I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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