Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
