Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Randomize
