I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
