You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
