this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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