My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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