dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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