I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
