Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Is Oprah even human
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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