Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
