i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
