my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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