i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
