I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
