KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
