Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
