Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
