Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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