I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
