Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
