Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
