Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
