got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
