You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
