I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
