guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
