i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
