can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
