He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
