if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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