Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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