I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
