The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
