Can i not drive my cunt home
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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