just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize