Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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