I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
he fucked my hip out of place.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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