We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
