I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
