She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
