Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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