That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
