my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
