You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
