I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
ttyl tear gas
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
