jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
