Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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