party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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