I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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