Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
