OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
