My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
